Wednesday, June 22, 2016
It is Well With My Soul: Part 1
A few months ago, I was talking to my friend Kate and told her that I feel called to write... but I am nervous that God is going to keep giving me tough material to write about.
And here we are.
I am still standing... Although some days are harder than others. This is a long update that I am going to break into a few smaller posts but here we go.
A couple weeks ago, in the wake of an upper respiratory infection, I found myself having trouble swallowing and talking. My voice sounded hyper-nasal and certain sounds like "S" "B" "D" and "V" were sounds my voice could no longer make. I went to a primary care doc on Monday, June 6th who gave me a prescription for my upper respiratory infection and a steroid that would hopefully take care of the swelling in my throat so that my swallowing/ voice could return to normal.
At first, I made fun of myself. Sent videos to my friends and coworkers making fun of how I sounded. I even told Logan "Would you still love me if I sounded like this forever?!?!"
Fast forward to Wednesday, June 8th and I felt better but my voice stayed the same. I got referred to an ENT and thats when my life exploded. I found out that my soft palate had stopped functioning (thus the swallowing issues AND the voice change) and he wanted me to get an MRI done on my brain and have a swallow study performed at the hospital.
That Friday (June 10th) I had a 40 minute MRI and as I was on that table, I just thought... HOW ON EARTH DID I GET HERE??!?! I laid there as still as I could and just prayed and listened to worship music. It was all I could do. Please don't let it be cancer. No tumors. No stroke. Please God.
My swallow study was Monday morning (June 13th) and my ENT appointment (Where we would go over the results) was that following Monday afternoon.
It was quite a weekend. I vacillated back and forth between unbelief and denial to despair. I stared at my girls all weekend long and my mind went to really dark places. Places where I would need to write letters to leave behind. It is crazy to get to a point in your life where you are faced with your humanity. Completely overwhelming. Humbling. Scary. It was so hard to NOT know what we were dealing with AND not google worst case scenarios.
On Sunday morning my small group met me before church and prayed over me. That Sunday night was our first night of worship at the Gateway Dallas Campus. I had been looking forward to it for months and was so sad knowing that I couldn't sing. I thought to myself.... Okay Satan can take my voice but he will NOT take my worship. So I still went that night and an overwhelming calm and peace filled me. I felt like the Lord told me "You aren't going anywhere. I'm not through with you yet!" In that moment I had HOPE. Hope that this wasn't the end of the road for me. He also hand picked this song for me that we sang both in Sunday morning service and at the night of worship. It has been "playing" in the background of my heart for the past 17 days.
I may not be "well" but the state of my soul is WELL. We STILL don't have answers but I do have HOPE.